My Mate Controls Me And I Feel Smothered

„I was so happy to find this person. We are so compatible in so many ways. And I know that we
truly enhance our experience with each other. We do everything together. And we‘re realy good at working and living togeher. We like the same kinds of food, and enjoy the same kinds of people. And we have very similar interests. In fact, if we were to fill out one of those compatibility surveys, I‘m pretty sure we would be found to be a perfect match for each other. But lately I‘ve begun to feel not free. My mate seems so involved in everything that I do, that I can hardly consider going off and doing something without her. And I realized the other day that I am weary of having to take her point of view into consideration with every decision that I‘m making. I just don‘t feel free. I have a friend who is diligently looking for a mate and I found myself thinking, „You‘d be better off than you know without a mate“. That startled me. Because I‘ve always thought that it was so much better to have someone to share your life with. But maybe we‘re not meant to share every moment, every thought and every idea. I feel smothered.“

No matter how intensely intertwined you find yourself with another person, your relationship is
affected many more times by the thoughts that are moving around in your own mind, than by the other person who is moving around in your house or in your life experience. That‘s why it‘s so interesting to us to see people working so hard to controlling one another while working very little on controlling their own thoughts and perceptions. Especially since they have no real control over another, and they do have complete control over their own thoughts and perceptions. People often believe that they‘d feel so much better if their mate would just change in this way or that way, but that truly is a backward approach to things. When you say, „I‘ll feel better if you‘ll make this change in your behaviour or personality“, what you‘re actually saying is, „My happiness is dependant upon your willingness and ability to modify your behaviour, therefore I am powerless“. The reason why so many people are so very hard on those they live or interact with is because everyone inherently wants to be happy. But they also believe that their happiness is dependant upon things over which they actually have no control.
In the beginning of most new relationships things go along rather well, since both of you are
predominantly looking for positive aspects in the other. And in the beginning both of you are
unnaturally forcing yourself to work harder at pleasing the other. But when you behave from the
vantage point of trying to please another, rather than from the point of personal alignment, you set yourself up for a great amount of trouble. For it‘s not possible to hold someone else‘s desires as the center of your attention, because as a creator you simply are not wired that way. By trying to please others, you incourage a distorted idea that someone else is responsible for their happiness, which in the long run disempowers them and makes them unhappy. We could accurately say that the harder you try to make others happy, the more unhappy they
become. Because they become dependant on behaviour outside of themselves, over which they have no control, rather than being in alignment within themselves over which they have complete control. So, by holding you mate as your object of attention, telling yourself how much you love her, and how important it is to you that she is happy, and then by trying to control her happiness through your actions, it is no wonder that you feel smothered. Because attempting this impossible task requires an enormous amount of your time and attention. Also, in most cases, the more you try to control circumstances in order to enhance the experience of others, the more dependant they become on your behaviour. And in time the more demanding they become. You are innately such independent beings, that the more dependent you become, the unhappier you become. Interesting, is it not, that your intentions were to make the other happy, but instead you‘ve incouraged less happiness? Your only chance of influencing another to happiness is for you to truly be happy. And the only way for you to truly be happy is to achieve a state of vibrational alignment between you and you.
So, let‘s apply this formula specifically to the subject of your desire for your mate‘s happiness.
Scenario 1: You want your mate to be happy. You observe her, and you notice that she is happy.
Your desire and what you‘re observing match. Therefore, you are in alignment, ant therefore you feel happy.
Scenario 2: You want your mate to be happy. You observe she is not happy about something. Your desire and what you‘re observing do not match. Therefore, you are not in alignment, ant therefore you do not feel happy.
Scenario 3: You want your mate to be happy. You observe that she is not happy about something.
You do everything you can think of to make her feel better. She is distracted from her misalignment and feels temporarily better. You like that she feels better, and now take responsibility for her feeling better. She now becomes dependent upon your behaviour for the way she feels. She gradually loses her sense of independence, which now makes her unhappier. And so, you try harder on making her happy. But she becomes even more unhappy, because your behaviour is offered from the flaud premise that you should, or even can, make another person happy.
Scenario 4: You want your mate to be happy. You observe she is not happy about something. You use the power of your mind to ignore how she is feeling right now, and you fixate on something that allows you to continue to be happy. She thinks you should be paying more attention to her, and that you should be trying harder to make her happy. Your happiness is your dominant desire, so you selfishly ignore her unhappy state, and remain happy. In your success of remaining happy, because you‘ve practised it a great deal, you remain in alignmet with your broader perspctive. Because you are in alignment with your greater resources, your timing is good, your clarity is good, your vitality is good, and you feel wonderful. Because you are in alignment with your greater resources, you‘re emitting a strong vibrational signal of Well-Being. And because your mate wants to feel good, and the vibration that you are emitting is all about that, she is influenced vibrationally to her own alignment. In other words, because of your selfish desire to remain connected to your own resources of Well-Being, you were able to uplift your mate to what she wanted as well.
But this is the most important part of all – no matter how much alignment you‘ve achieved, and no matter how strong your vibrational signal of Well-Being is, it is the work of your mate to bring
herself into alignment with that signal. You cannot do that for another person.
So, what it really comes down to is that you really have to love others enough to encourage their
alignment, which is the only thing that can make them happy. So, of course, be as loving and nice to the people around you as you can be, but not because you‘re attempting to fill some void for them through your behaviour. Be loving and nice because you are in alignment with who you really are.
And here is the most important factor to remember – it‘s very simple to want to feel good and to
practise the directing of your thoughts until you do, it is extremely complicated to try to affect the behaviour or emotional state or alignment of another. Tend to your own vibrational balance, and let the Law of Attraction do the rest of the work..
So, start where you are and try to find downstream statements. For instance,
I feel smothered.
I‘m tired of having to consider what my wife wants regarding everything I do.
I wish she get involved in something that would get her attention away from me.
So, that‘s where you are. Now, rather than looking for relief by getting your partner to change in
some way, try to find relief through your own thoughts.
Regardless of what my partner wants or thinks, I can think my own thoughts.
I do not have to consider her response to my every thought.
A big part of what I feel is because of what goes on in my own mind.
I am free to think my own thoughts.
Now, this stream of thoughts is definitely downstream, and you‘re now feeling better.
My mate isn‘t really trying to control me.
Our way of living together is just evolved.
It isn‘t that I actually disagree with her about much of anything.
We are very compatible in many ways.
She‘s never tried to dominate or control my thinking.
My feeling of being smothered is more about my jumbled mind than anything else.
I can sort out my thoughts if I try.
I am in control of my own thoughts.
There are endless subjects that I can focus on.
I am free to pursue any interest I decide on.
Now, once you get pointed downstream, it‘s rather easy to continue to find better feeling thoughts.
For instance,
I don‘t have to sort out everything at once.
Our relationship is predominantely very positive.
I‘m experiencing no actual confinement.
That smothered feeling has now lifted completely.
If it ever returns, I know why and what to do about it.