My Mate Controls Me And I Feel Smothered

„I was so happy to find this person. We are so compatible in so many ways. And I know that we
truly enhance our experience with each other. We do everything together. And we‘re realy good at working and living togeher. We like the same kinds of food, and enjoy the same kinds of people. And we have very similar interests. In fact, if we were to fill out one of those compatibility surveys, I‘m pretty sure we would be found to be a perfect match for each other. But lately I‘ve begun to feel not free. My mate seems so involved in everything that I do, that I can hardly consider going off and doing something without her. And I realized the other day that I am weary of having to take her point of view into consideration with every decision that I‘m making. I just don‘t feel free. I have a friend who is diligently looking for a mate and I found myself thinking, „You‘d be better off than you know without a mate“. That startled me. Because I‘ve always thought that it was so much better to have someone to share your life with. But maybe we‘re not meant to share every moment, every thought and every idea. I feel smothered.“

No matter how intensely intertwined you find yourself with another person, your relationship is
affected many more times by the thoughts that are moving around in your own mind, than by the other person who is moving around in your house or in your life experience. That‘s why it‘s so interesting to us to see people working so hard to controlling one another while working very little on controlling their own thoughts and perceptions. Especially since they have no real control over another, and they do have complete control over their own thoughts and perceptions. People often believe that they‘d feel so much better if their mate would just change in this way or that way, but that truly is a backward approach to things. When you say, „I‘ll feel better if you‘ll make this change in your behaviour or personality“, what you‘re actually saying is, „My happiness is dependant upon your willingness and ability to modify your behaviour, therefore I am powerless“. The reason why so many people are so very hard on those they live or interact with is because everyone inherently wants to be happy. But they also believe that their happiness is dependant upon things over which they actually have no control.
In the beginning of most new relationships things go along rather well, since both of you are
predominantly looking for positive aspects in the other. And in the beginning both of you are
unnaturally forcing yourself to work harder at pleasing the other. But when you behave from the
vantage point of trying to please another, rather than from the point of personal alignment, you set yourself up for a great amount of trouble. For it‘s not possible to hold someone else‘s desires as the center of your attention, because as a creator you simply are not wired that way. By trying to please others, you incourage a distorted idea that someone else is responsible for their happiness, which in the long run disempowers them and makes them unhappy. We could accurately say that the harder you try to make others happy, the more unhappy they
become. Because they become dependant on behaviour outside of themselves, over which they have no control, rather than being in alignment within themselves over which they have complete control. So, by holding you mate as your object of attention, telling yourself how much you love her, and how important it is to you that she is happy, and then by trying to control her happiness through your actions, it is no wonder that you feel smothered. Because attempting this impossible task requires an enormous amount of your time and attention. Also, in most cases, the more you try to control circumstances in order to enhance the experience of others, the more dependant they become on your behaviour. And in time the more demanding they become. You are innately such independent beings, that the more dependent you become, the unhappier you become. Interesting, is it not, that your intentions were to make the other happy, but instead you‘ve incouraged less happiness? Your only chance of influencing another to happiness is for you to truly be happy. And the only way for you to truly be happy is to achieve a state of vibrational alignment between you and you.
So, let‘s apply this formula specifically to the subject of your desire for your mate‘s happiness.
Scenario 1: You want your mate to be happy. You observe her, and you notice that she is happy.
Your desire and what you‘re observing match. Therefore, you are in alignment, ant therefore you feel happy.
Scenario 2: You want your mate to be happy. You observe she is not happy about something. Your desire and what you‘re observing do not match. Therefore, you are not in alignment, ant therefore you do not feel happy.
Scenario 3: You want your mate to be happy. You observe that she is not happy about something.
You do everything you can think of to make her feel better. She is distracted from her misalignment and feels temporarily better. You like that she feels better, and now take responsibility for her feeling better. She now becomes dependent upon your behaviour for the way she feels. She gradually loses her sense of independence, which now makes her unhappier. And so, you try harder on making her happy. But she becomes even more unhappy, because your behaviour is offered from the flaud premise that you should, or even can, make another person happy.
Scenario 4: You want your mate to be happy. You observe she is not happy about something. You use the power of your mind to ignore how she is feeling right now, and you fixate on something that allows you to continue to be happy. She thinks you should be paying more attention to her, and that you should be trying harder to make her happy. Your happiness is your dominant desire, so you selfishly ignore her unhappy state, and remain happy. In your success of remaining happy, because you‘ve practised it a great deal, you remain in alignmet with your broader perspctive. Because you are in alignment with your greater resources, your timing is good, your clarity is good, your vitality is good, and you feel wonderful. Because you are in alignment with your greater resources, you‘re emitting a strong vibrational signal of Well-Being. And because your mate wants to feel good, and the vibration that you are emitting is all about that, she is influenced vibrationally to her own alignment. In other words, because of your selfish desire to remain connected to your own resources of Well-Being, you were able to uplift your mate to what she wanted as well.
But this is the most important part of all – no matter how much alignment you‘ve achieved, and no matter how strong your vibrational signal of Well-Being is, it is the work of your mate to bring
herself into alignment with that signal. You cannot do that for another person.
So, what it really comes down to is that you really have to love others enough to encourage their
alignment, which is the only thing that can make them happy. So, of course, be as loving and nice to the people around you as you can be, but not because you‘re attempting to fill some void for them through your behaviour. Be loving and nice because you are in alignment with who you really are.
And here is the most important factor to remember – it‘s very simple to want to feel good and to
practise the directing of your thoughts until you do, it is extremely complicated to try to affect the behaviour or emotional state or alignment of another. Tend to your own vibrational balance, and let the Law of Attraction do the rest of the work..
So, start where you are and try to find downstream statements. For instance,
I feel smothered.
I‘m tired of having to consider what my wife wants regarding everything I do.
I wish she get involved in something that would get her attention away from me.
So, that‘s where you are. Now, rather than looking for relief by getting your partner to change in
some way, try to find relief through your own thoughts.
Regardless of what my partner wants or thinks, I can think my own thoughts.
I do not have to consider her response to my every thought.
A big part of what I feel is because of what goes on in my own mind.
I am free to think my own thoughts.
Now, this stream of thoughts is definitely downstream, and you‘re now feeling better.
My mate isn‘t really trying to control me.
Our way of living together is just evolved.
It isn‘t that I actually disagree with her about much of anything.
We are very compatible in many ways.
She‘s never tried to dominate or control my thinking.
My feeling of being smothered is more about my jumbled mind than anything else.
I can sort out my thoughts if I try.
I am in control of my own thoughts.
There are endless subjects that I can focus on.
I am free to pursue any interest I decide on.
Now, once you get pointed downstream, it‘s rather easy to continue to find better feeling thoughts.
For instance,
I don‘t have to sort out everything at once.
Our relationship is predominantely very positive.
I‘m experiencing no actual confinement.
That smothered feeling has now lifted completely.
If it ever returns, I know why and what to do about it.

What can I do before I start that next relationship?

Before you start another one... Some of you ARE in the perfect place - do you realize?
Before you come together in your next relationship, that you come to the place of understanding that the way you feel is purely up to you. You've practiced moving up the emotional scale on many topics, so you are feeling pretty good about almost everything. And now you are in a place the Universe is going to bring to you somebody who is in that same vibrational place.

Soul mates

Q: A person that I really would like to be in myl ife asked me to ask you when she's going to meet her soul mate.
Abe: Well, our answer to her is: when she no longer
thinks it's missing. (Pause.) Sound familiar?
Q: Mm-hm.
Abe: Our answer to her is: when she achievesvibrational alignment with that which is her soul,then she will recognize that which matches that. And until then, that soul mate could be right under her nose and she would not know it.
Abe -- Boston, MA, 10/2/04

Guest. So if your inner being could have concurrently be incarnated into a multitude of individuals in the physical format as we know it today, what are the implications of that in relation to your own individuality and stuff like that.
Abe. Well, you would have full individuality. In fact much of the time if one of those aspects were to run into another one of those aspects you would not even have a recognition of it. It is the true implication of the term soul mate or twin flame. When you are in a moment of true connection which just means that you have no resistance, your cork is floating, your energy is vibrating in that high pure fast place that is natural to you. And you were to bump into one of those other aspects that was the same energy and that physical human also was in a moment of appreciation and connection, when the two of you rendezvoused, you would have a strong delicious encounter. That's truly what that in love feeling is. That's truly what that feeling of coming home is. You know those people that you've met where you just feel so attracted and so at one that's what it is. But also, remember our vibrational meter that we talked about yesterday where when there is strong positive emotion,which means passion, which means true connection, which means strong wanting and no resistance and on the other end of that stick is that strong negative emotion, lots of times those people that are the raspiest, most hard to deal with people that you run into, they are soul mates too. And one or the other of you, and usually both of you,are not well connected to source and when you rendezvous you are on different wavelengths. And so there is a clashing. There is a powerful and strong desire and intent that in this moment is not being satisfied and when the two of you get together and see each other in your disconnection, sparks fly from the friction.
Abe-4-4-99

I want a mate

On the subject of attracting a mate




Abraham: So, just ramble a little bit. Just talk about what you want and why.
Guest: I want a mate who's a good friend, a playmate, someone to exchange ideas, to bring the best out of both of us....
Abe: Good. Now these are very good things. Now take that into a picture that brings more sensual, and we're not talking about sexual, we're talking about sensory perception. We want you to talk about it in a way that you feel like you're already there. And an easy way to way to do that is to remember any fun conversation that you've ever had with anyone. In other words, can you get inside that feeling of what it's like to just sit and visit with a good friend and you're on the same wavelength and you're almost not even needing to speak words because you're so in tune with each other that you're saying the same words over the top of each other? And as you're having experiences together you're just looking at each other and laughing, no words are even necessary because this thing that is manifested is exactly what you were just talking about and the Universe has delivered something to you that is so real and so on target with what you were talking about that it's like you and all of the Universe is in on this game together? Can you get the feeling of this? Can you imagine being so comfortable with this person, there is no feeling of embarrassment or negative judgement. In other words, there is just absolute adoration. You adore this person and you know this person
adores you. And so there you are in this lovely, comfortable interchange of unconditional love for each other. Can you feel how that feels? Now you see it's those kinds of little self-conversations that provide the vibrational nucleus that becomes your point of attraction that brings precisely what you are wanting. But most people who are standing in the place that you are standing that are wanting something like that aren't having those kinds of thoughts at all. Instead, they're having lonely thoughts, or they're remembering negative experiences.
Guest: But when you say that, and when I get to that feeling that you created, I can see myself with this person, but I had also utterly bad experiences with, though we had all that you...so I'm trying to....
Abe: So what you're saying is, every relationship is a mixed bag. (Yeah...) It's sort of like the wedding vows that someone conjured that says "In sickness, and in health. And in good times, and in bad times. And we will stay together no matter how bad we are to each other" sort of rings in your ears. And what you are wanting to do, you see, this is what we're talking about, about selectively sifting. You get to choose what aspects of that individual you hold in your consciousness. But it isn't until, oh here it is, it isn't until your dominant intent is to feel good that you discover this magic. As long as you're logically or realistically examining things you *have* to get the sickness and the health, the good times and the bad times.But you see it is only the physical world that is asking for your logic. The nonphysical world is asking for your obsession*. Your obsession with joy, your obsession with what feels good, your obsession with a floating cork, you see...." "...And we want you to become so sensitive to feeling good, that you are wanting to examine the positive parts of relationships. Sometimes if a relationship, or any particle of your experience, is a really mixed bag, where there are powerful things that feel good as well as powerful things that feel bad, sometimes it's better to stay off that subject altogether because as soon as you get hold of a piece that feels good it takes you right to a piece that feels bad. And often it is easier to go into, in other words, to pretend something or to remember a fairy tale or to read a book. Just remember, your work is to find things to ponder about the subject of a relationship that feel good to you. That is your homework. And if you can do it effectively for a week, wonderful people will start showing up in your life.
Guest: Thank you.
Abe: They're lined up outside your door."

Abe on Sexuality (relationships)

Guest: My husband has been unfaithful to me a couple of times.
Abe: How does that thought feel?
G: Very bad.
A: Can he take it back?
G: No.A: So you have a choice of choosing the way you feel. Now, we're going to throw some things out to you.A: do you think you'd be feeling better now if you did not know?
G: Yes, but I wouldn't prefer not to know.
A: This is important. What you are saying is you'd rather know the truth than feel better. And almost everyone would agree with you. We're wanting you to want to feel better.We're just going to throw some things out and shake up the game of sexuality in your time space reality. Play the game of which thought feels better.Which thought feels better:My husband WAS unfaithful to me or my husband IS unfaithful to me?
G: Was.
A: Which thought feels better:My husband was unfaithful to me or my husband is a thriving sexual being at the height of his sexuality?
G: thriving sexual being.
A: Which thought feels better:My husband is thriving sexual being at the height of his sexuality or the sexuality in my husband has withered and he has no interest in it whatsoever.
G: Thriving sexual being.
A: Which thought feels better:We are innately sexual beings whose desires are very powerful or we have the ability to limit ourselves in many ways.Because what we are getting at here is that as physical humans you do interesting things to one another. We've been talking about, very pointedly here today, how it is very common here to say, this thought makes me feel good or this thought makes me feel bad, therefore the people who are important to me must do this so that I can feel good. Because what you are actually saying to others is, it is your responsibility to deny your natural instincts and do what is biologically unnatural, in order to perform a behaviour that makes it easier for me to feel good. You keep saying to each other: My happiness depends upon your behaviour and it's up to you to control yourself in these ways.You will discover the most extraordinary of relationships when you say to everyone you love, be as you be and I will choose to feel as I choose to feel.
~ San Antonio~

Abe perspective on envy, jealousy, coveting

My question is kind of a couple of questions in one, but basically it has to do with feeling jealous and insecure in my relationship. And, uh, my boyfriend really doesn't give me a reason to feel this, but sometimes we may be somewhere or he may say something and I'll just start feeling that way. And I've noticed he is real different in that he knows that I love him and because of this he feels totally secure and trusting of me and this is what I would like to feel. Also I've been with him for about a year and even though he is allowing this less and less, his ex-girlfriend, who's the mother of his 2 children, still feels that she can exert control over his life and uses the children as a tool do do this. This has caused some problems and interference in our relationship even though lately he's done a lot not to allow her to have so much influence. Nonetheless the control or influence he has allowed her to have has really bothered me and I know that the more that I observe it the more I'll attract of it. How do I change letting it have any affect over me so that it'll just diminish? Sometimes to try to change the energy I pretend that she has a boyfriend now and just leaves my boyfriend alone and also that because of this he doesn't feel so obligated or so free to come and go at her house. And when I do this, it feels really good to me and it feels like a relief. Is it okay for me to try to change the energy in that way, or how should I do it so that it doesn't bother me so much and I don't keep attracting more of it? It's getting better, it is changing, but I don't want it to bother me at all anymore in that particular situation and just the
feeling insecure and jealous in other areas involving us.
Also, I've noticed that sometimes I've noticed that I don't do exactly what he wants or I'm not there for him exactly in the way he wants me to be and sometimes he'll do something to get back at me because of this. I guess due go do an errand for her and he'll purposely tell me "well, I'm going to go do this for her" or he'll go over to her house to babysit the kids or something like that which I can feel that he's doing it to get back at me and he knows that's what's going to hurt me the most or make me feel the worst. And I'm wondering, what is it that I'm vibrating that is causing him to feel that he needs to get back at me if I'm displeasing him in some way? Also, I'm
wondering when somebody does something like that to us, is it okay to take action in that moment and kind of like tell them you know "don't do this to me" kind of like stop them at that moment from doing something like that? Or do I first try to change the vibration and then say something to them?
Because sometimes to me it feels like that if I don't say something then I'm just letting him or somebody else walk all over me and I feel like it's going to take awhile to change the vibration, and meanwhile they're just going to keep doing that. I'm confused on how to handle it.
**Well, we want to begin with the last part of your question first. If you lived in an action-based world where things were coming to you in response to action, and somebody is getting even by doing something, then the answer would be yes, stop the action as soon as you can so that it doesn't go any further. But you are not living, even though it feels sometimes to you, you are not
living in an action-based world, this is an energy-based world. And the answer is always to line up your energy before you take any action. Because if you have a knee-jerk response to something and then you act from that feeling, you're just filling your future with more of the same. You have to shift the energy and then take the inspired action. As you were describing your relationship and some of the things that you are living, we wanted to interrupt you midway through and say to you that this...and you used the word towards the end of the sentence that was the word that we were going to give to. You began by using the word jealousy and then later you began talking about insecurity and we're wanting you very much to realize that what jealousy is, is insecurity. But when it turns to that feeling of jealousy is when you think you see someone that is living that which you want in the moment that you are not living it. For example, let's say that you have all the money that you have any sensible use for, you have
piles of it around, in other words, you can't even figure out what to do with all of your money. And the money keeps making more money so lack of money is just not part of your vibration at all. So you meet somebody else that is in the same situation, they have more money than they know what to do with, and so as you are visiting with them, you would not feel any jealousy about them living something that you want because you're living all of it. If you are radiant in your health and you meet another healthy person, you would not feel jealous about their health because you are abundant in health. So what the feeling of jealousy is, is when you have a desire that has not yet been acquired, but then you see someone else that is living the satisfaction of
your desire, then that feeling of jealousy is just your amplified awareness that in this moment you don't have what you want. And in truth, it really doesn't have anything to do with anybody else except that they amplified your own feeling of not enoughness. And that's why the word insecurity is even a better match. In other words, it really doesn't have anything to do with his
past relationships, they just keep fanning the flames of your feeling of insecurity. In other words, when you think about it logically, you know he has no desire to go there and in your heart you know he will not return there, but there is enough feeling of not enoughness within yourself that sometimes you use that as your excuse to not feel all that you are.
What we would do, let's walk through this a little bit. Let's say that for whatever, you don't even know why, but this feeling of jealous insecurity sort of sneaked up on you and you're feeling it in this moment and you're fighting it, but you feel it, it's very real, you're not making it up--you feel it. But you stop in the middle of it this time and you say "well, I used to call it jealousy or I used to call it insecurity, and now what I'm calling it is -- what it feels like when I give my attention to something not up to speed with my desire. In other words, my desire is to know that I'm enough, my desire is to feel utterly secure in this relationship, but for some reason, and there's
so much evidence of that around me. In other words, he comes to me everyday, he comes to me every night, he expresses his appreciation and love for me in endless ways, but for some screwy reason I'm choosing with all of this evidence of what I want before me, to pick through the data and find something that feels different than my desire. And so the way I feel is not a product
of what he's doing, it's a product of what I'm doing, it's a product of what I'm choosing.
And it isn't just in this relationship. In other words, it's a habit that most physical beings have because you have not been taught that the way you feel is only an extension of what you're choosing to give your attention to. In other words, if you turn on the tv and there's some national report, even bigger, it's a global report, it's coming from the scientists of all around the world and they say to you there's an epidemic and all are susceptible to it and people are dying like flies everywhere and we don't know what to do about it. Most of you would feel vulnerable because you have not yet convinced yourself that that epidemic is about them, not me. There's still
this feeling that something that they might be living could assert itself in my experience. And it is only when you finally get it, that only that which I am in vibrational harmony to has access to my experience that you're feeling of insecurity is replaced with an absolute KNOWING that all is well with me. So, you just practice it little by little. You practice it one thought at a time and the best tool that we have found to teach that helps you to in the midst of a negative vibration... our friend amplified this question earlier "when I'm right in the middle of something that I don't want, how do I find the other feeling?" And the process we call a Focus Wheel and the simple
structure of it is - you draw a circle in the middle of a page and then you write clumps of phrases all the way around your circle in the middle of the page and when you're done you write a final, confirming statement in the center of the circle. Now you're attitude when you are performing this focus wheel, your goal, your objective, is to find some statement that matches your
desire _that you already believe_. In other words, let's say that you feel insecure, he's been off babysitting, he's been over there, you've focused upon it, you've been keeping score, he's been over there a lot lately. He might be trying to get to me or he might have some real desire, he might be getting some satisfaction over there when I want him to get all of his satisfaction with me. In other words, I don't want him to have a broad life, I want him to have a narrow life where I'm the only that ever makes him happy [laughter]. I don't want anyone to tell him a joke
that makes him laugh, I don't want anyone to prepare food for him that he likes, I want all food that he eats away from here to taste icky, and I want all conversations that he has away from here to be boring, I don't want him ever to have joyful moment unless he's with me [laughter]. Now that's absurd isn't it, and yet that's what most think they want when they're feeling a
little insecure in a relationship. So let's pretend he's been over there and you're in that place of insecurity or jealousy. So you say, "well I'll do a focus wheel". The first thing that you reach for...and your desire...whenever you know what you don't want you always know more clearly what you do want...so the desire that is borne out of this is "I want to feel good, I want to feel secure, not just in this relationship, but in all aspects of my life. I want to know that I'm enough,
I want to feel pleased with who I am and how life is treating me." So then you feel for something that you already believe that matches that desire. Now have you ever seen one of these merry go rounds in a grade school playground, where the children push them to make them go? And do you ever remember or did you ever watch when they got it going so fast that somebody who wanted on couldn't get on and they had to finally slow it down enough that you could jump on? Well, that's a bit the way this focus wheel works. If you try to make a statement that is moving faster than you, you can't get on. For example, your desire here is to feel better about who you are, so you make a statement like "Well, I'm enough"...well the wheel didn't slow down enough for you to get on, so you try again. So you say something like "Well, I'm more significant in his life than she is"...well, if this were a game show we'd go "annhhh" because that's the wrong answer again [laughter], you can feel that wasn't the right approach either. So you just keep reaching for it. So then you say something like "There is so much evidence that he loves me."
Now you absolutely believe that so now you're on. So then you reach for another statement and you say something like, "I want him to interact with his children" you absolutely believe that and it also matches, or doesn't mismatch your desire, so that statement stays. And then you reach for another and if you're writing this it's even more powerful, so as you're writing this in clumps "there is so much evidence that he loves me" and that feels good as you write it. It usually takes about 17 seconds to conceive it and write. And then you say "I want him to spend time with his children, I think that is very important to him and to them" and you write that and you feel yourself already feeling a little better, your vibration is already beginning to lift. And then you say something like "I have never wanted to be the beginning and ending of all things for him. I just want to be important to him and I know that I am". So you write that. And then you write "I want him to have a relationship with his ex-wife" ANNNHHH! You can feel that went too far
[laughter].
In other words, you can feel that you treaded into territory that brought your vibration down, so you back away from that. And then you say something like "it is natural that he would interact with her since they are both now and will always be the parents of these children" and you write that and it feels a little better. And then you reach for another statement and you say something like "I want these kids to have parents that get along with each other, it is so much nicer for them. There is no reason for their parents not to be social and receptive and respectful and appreciative of each other. I want that for the children and for him and even for her." And you can tell by the way you feel that you are now making statements that are a match to who you really are from your nonphysical perspective and you are literally bridging, you are shifting your vibrational habit into new realms. And the most powerful thing about a focus wheel is that it will take you a little while to get on it usually, but once you get on it, and shift your vibration, even a little bit, you _will never again go back to where you were before you did the focus wheel_. You are now seen by All That Is as a different beamer of a different vibration. And from that moment, everything in the universe will respond to you differently than it did before, so now
things that have made you feel insecure are less likely to happen, because you're not vibrating in so much insecurity! You've mended your insecurity and brought it to a more secure feeling place. You get the sense of what we're talking about? The first time you do it you will shift, the second time you do it you will shift more until with just a handful of focus wheels that are prompted from very strong desire, desire like we felt from you as you projected your question to us here, you will be vibrating in a whole different place. And everything in all the universe will respond to you from your newfound vibration. And it will not take much of that before that feeling of insecurity is an utter thing of the past.
We remember a time when Esther was insecure about going to new cities or when she was insecure about even flying from place to place. She would fret over all of the details of the unfolding, where now she has just come to accept that things always work out alright and she doesn't have to think every single thing through, they can figure it out as they go along. She knows that the signs are there and that they will find their way. But this morning when
Jerry left the (hotel) door ajar, for just a moment she slipped back into that old feeling of insecurity until she re-thought it from that vantage point. You get a sense... And so, you may do a 100 focus wheels on this subject, and each one leaving you in a new place. Get a sense of this? Usually it doesn't take nearly that much attention, however. 68 seconds of pure thought is equivalent to over 2 million action hours. So a focus wheel or 2 can make a big difference in the
way people in your experience respond to you. Now relative to your boyfriend manipulating you. He may be doing some of that, we don't feel too much of it. What we really feel is that your
insecurity just brings that out in him. And it annoys him when it comes. And we think that as you feel a little better you'll see little or none of that. And we would NEVER, if someone mistreated us, we would never stop in our moment of perceived mistreatment and say "you are mistreating me, don't do that" because then you are then shining a spotlight on something that you do not want and usually what happens is, they then get defensive about it. And then you have a whole other thing going [agreement in background]. So it is always much better to step back from it and give the other the benefit of the doubt. And by that we mean, say something like "well, he means well" or "I may be misunderstanding this". Even if he doesn't mean well, and even if you're not misunderstanding it, it's ALWAYS better for you to give them the benefit of the doubt, than to judge them as wrong, because in the moment you see them as wrong and focus upon it, you're a vibrational match to that very wrongdoing. And we promise you, you'll get more and more and more and more and more of that.**
Okay. And Abraham, when you say it annoys him, do you mean the insecurity annoys him or his doing what he does...
**Both, but what we meant was when you are feeling not loved enough and he knows that, he can't stand on his head in enough ways to make you feel secure...your insecurity is so deep... In other words, in his mind he's thinking things like "I do this, I do this, I do this, I do this and _still_ she's insecure". It feels futile to him. And in that feeling of futility, he just goes the other way. Not because he's trying to get even with you, but because you have amplified something that is so BIG that then you just get more of it. In other words, he can't buck your current, that's the best way of saying it. He can't buck your feeling of insecurity and so he just sort of goes with it. Have you ever heard them say "well, if you can't fight em, join em"? "I give up!" In other words, it's that sort of thing happening on an unconscious level. We do not think that he deliberately tries to ring your bells. You are complete?**
Yes, thank you very much.

Commitments

30.. If you are debating keeping or changing a commitment with another,you can always change it or make a new plan about it. It doesn't reallymatter if you stay or go. Just make a decision and line up with it.Whatever is going on, focus on the part of it that rings your bells.31.. So many people build their lives around commitments, but you cannotstand still. Stop the commitment stuff, you are assuring someone else thatyou will do something you can't do. Think more carefully about the thingsyou say you will do.
There is NOTHING that cannot be modified. Just focuson what you now want.Great question, below are some more of the quotes I've been pondering for myself as I again move forward to change my marital status, for the sixth time in my life! Single-Married- divorced- married-widowed- married-legally separated, WHEW! And that doesn't even begin to count the number of times I've been engaged, going steady, breaking up, or falling in love! Am I just a total failure at relationships and love? Or is it law of attraction making sure I keep up with my own growth and providing me with THE dynamically perfect partners interspersed with time alone to fine tune my vibration for each era of my life? I have to say the latter thought is the one that feels A LOT better to me today!I had a kinesthetic vision a couple of months ago that showed me just how good I could feel with a totally beloved FRIEND who is a thrilling part of my life. Release the heavy commitments, let go of territory, clutching on, trying to control conditions, just relax into this moment and love ALL my friends, including some special ones, seeing that I have MANY exquisite long term relationships and no ONE of them has to hold all my feelings/needs/ desires. It was the same day when, in meditation, I got shot through with a bright whit
e comet that exploded in my brain as joy and ran instantly down my body and out my feet. So the combination of the two of them definitely got my attention. And that week I wrote, "My feelings are a prophesy of what is going to happen to me." And then I learned the word "precognition" , the experience of knowing ahead of time what will happen. And these two, and the next I describe, are showing me where I am going as an individual. Looks really good to me!And then I had another vision of how good and free and healthy and strong I can feel in my body a couple of weeks later. Seems like my Inner Being is supporting my decision to find a way to feel good every day, to reach in each moment for thoughts that feel better, to get mad when that feels better but always to keep going until I am again living in love and appreciation no matter what is happening outside of me. That is the work, isn't it?! Just to handle the contrast of today the best I can, and trust that as I do my best to stay connected, I am flowing downstream to everything I want.Off to the pool to swim and feel how strong and free and flexible and healthy I AM!

My Lover Left Me

My boyfriend, whom I‘ve been living with for the last two years, moved out. We didn‘t agree oneverything, and we did fight about some things, but nothing very serious. I thought that we were doing OK. And I can‘t believe that he doesn‘t want us to be together anymore. He swears that he is
not gonna be with someone else. But how can you supposedly love someone, and then just all of a sudden move out, for no reason?“
Most people who want a relationship believe that a mediocre relationship is better than no relationship at all. But we do not agree with that. In other words, since the potential for a glorious relationship always exists, we never encourage settling for less.
Remember, that you feel the way you do because of the mix of vibrations within you, and that no two people feel exactly the same way about anything. It‘s possible for two people to be sharing what appears to be an identical experience, but one person is enjoying it while the other is not,
because their individual mixture of vibrations vary. Rather than trying to figure out what the other person wants and then putting your efforts towards satisfying his or her desires, it‘s much more productive and satisfying for you to be directing your thoughts toward the things that you desire.
Whatever you‘re living is causing you to make regular deposits into your vibrational escrow account. So, anytime something happens that you do not want, you send out a request for what you prefer instead. So, for example, now that your lover has left your experience, your request for someone who wants to be with you has been submitted in a stronger clearer way than ever before.
Many of your experiences throughout this lifetime have caused you to make request. And so you‘ve created a magnificent relationship that waits for you in vibrational escrow and calls you toward the fulfillment of it. And as you find more downstream thoughts, you get closer to the realization of
these desires. But today while your heart is breaking, you‘re going against the current, and you‘re not allowing yourself to get closer to the relationship that waits for you.
People are often amazed when we tell them that every bad thing that‘s ever happened to them in a relationship is part of the reason why such a magnificent relationship now waits for them. However,if they continue to beat the drum of those bad things that have happened, they‘ll continue to deprive themselves of the discovery of that wonderful creation. Some might argue that even though it seems that someone abruptly made a decision and left, there had to be signs of your relationship breaking down you were missing, and that if you had been more tuned in to your boyfriend, you might have been able to turn this around, if you had caught the trouble at an earlier stage. But we are quite pleased that you did not see this coming, because that means you were not looking for trouble, and we can also tell that you were predominantly focused upon the positive aspects of your relationship.
„So, if I was predominantly thinking positive thoughts, then why did he leave?“ Well, this is something we really want you to come to understand. When you are predominantly feeling good, all things are aligning for your ultimate satisfaction. In other words, your life with its ups and downs
has caused you to create a vibrational escrow of a wonderful future life experience, and you‘re being called toward it. So, whenever you‘re feeling good, that wonderful future is in the process ofmaking its way to you, and you to it. Simply put, anyone who moves out of your experience for any
reason, was not a match to the wonderful future that‘s waiting for you in vibrational escrow.
Here is something else that you might find fascinating. Let‘s say that you‘re watching your boyfriend closely, and you desire to please him in every way possible. And you had begun to notice that he was beginning to be unhappy and no longer completely satisfied in your relationship. And
then, in your awareness of his unhappiness you began to feel worried and so you tried harder and harder to make him happy. The most important thing that we want you to understand is that in your focus, which caused your unhappiness, you‘re no longer a match to your own desires. So now
you‘re moving upstream, not downstream. You‘re a match to his unhappiness, not to your true desires. And in that situation you would probably hold him in your experience longer. In other words, in focusing upon your boyfriend‘s unhappiness, and in your efforts to modify conditions to
bring him to a happier place, you‘re actually becoming more out of alignment with who you really are and what you realy want. You soothed him, and so he stays longer, and many think that is success. But from the bigger picture what has happened is that you have worked to please him
instead of yourself, and under those conditions, in time, you would be the one who would be wanting to leave.
By being unaware of his discomfort, and by continuing to focus upon positive aspects in your relationship, you remain true to your real vision of the relationship. And since he is not matching that true vision, he is leaving. And friend, we promise you, that is not a bad thing. When you
consistantly feel good, even when people are freaking out around you, and even leaving you, what you really want must find you. It will be more difficult now, but in the same way you did not let his increasing unhappiness effect you, if you can now not allow his leaving to upset you, then the realtionship that you‘ve been crafting all along will come to you. And then your work will be the same again – to look for positive aspects.
Do not get drawn into anyone‘s drama. Do not stand on your head to please others in a distorted way of soothing their misalignment. It‘s better to let those things that are not a match leave your experience.
This pain you‘re feeling is multifaceted, as it touches on so many things that matter to you. Not only do you feel unloved when what you want is love, but you feel insecure when what you want is security. You feel abandoned while what you want is to be adored. And while we understand that so soon after your lover has left you, is not easy to find good -feeling thoughts, still that must be your dominant intention. The LOA is matching you up with circumstances, events and other people who match your vibration. And so, if you will deliberately choose your vibration, especially one that matches your own specifically created vibrational escrow, someone you would consider to be a perfect mate must come to you. Conversely, if you do not line up with the lover you really want,
you will attract the lover that matches how you feel. And if you feel abandoned, you can only attract another who will behave in the same way.
With far less time and effort than you think, you can come into alignment with your idea of a perfect relationship, and there will be a time, not so far from now, when you will look back on this lover who just left you, with great appreciation for the serious contribution he helped you make
toward the creation of your perfect mate. You may want to write him a letter that says, „Thank you for breaking my heart, and in the process helping me to clarify what I really want. Thank you for the painful experience of giving birth to such powerful rockets of desire, that when I turned in the direction of that desire, I was swiftly transported into this blissful relationship. It is my desire that your interaction with me has provided you with the same wonderful benefit.“
Many people work very hard to try to make things work out. But we want you to understand that when you work to bring yourself into alignment with you, rather than into alignment with what someone else wants you to be, then the Universe will bring you the match. Just work to maintain your alignment, and the Universe will deliver to you partners who are aligned. It is Law.
So, start where you are and reach for increasingly better feeling thoughts.
For example,I am in a state of shock and depression. I don‘t know what to do.
I can‘t believe this has happened. I thought he was the one.
Why would he leave me on like that? Why would he pretend that he wanted to be with me forever?
Now, see if you can move from your feeling of powerlessness. Reach for something that makes you at least feel like getting out of bed. For instance,This is the last time something like this will happen to me.
I don‘t deserve to be treated like this.
I am glad that he left because clearly he is not what I thought he was.
Negative as these thoughts are, they are giving you a feeling of relief. Keep going.
Clearly we aren‘t right for each other.
There is no point in wasting more time figuring that out.
This was an extremely clarifying situation for me.
I‘ve learned so much in such a short period of time.
Thinking back, I can sort of feel this coming. At the time I didn‘t want to see it, but now I realize it had been coming. I am not sorry that this has happened.
Nothing terrible has really happened here.
It‘s not a bad thing to find out that what I really want is somewhere else.
This relationship has helped to more clearly define who I am and what I‘m lookng for.
I feel newly energized regarding relationships.
I am gonna take my time as I move forward. There is no urgency about figuring this out.
I am actually happy to have some breathing space.
In a strange way I‘m looking forward to what comes next. I know that what will come next
will be better because of this relationship.
Some day I may thank him for helping me to get clear about what I do want. However, that day is not today. Well, maybe it is.. a little.

You have to admit, you do feel better. And that is your only work. If you will continue to feel good, everything that you desire must come.

Sex, LOA and the Love of Your Life

From Hawaiian Cruise,
Guest: So I came up here to talk about pleasure and sex. [Audience: yeah!]Because it has been resonating through every night we've been up at the Crow's Nest—[disco bar] "crowing." And it's just been great fun, and I'm seeing all this energy happening, and I've not heard you talk about that on the DVD's, so I wanted to get your thoughts about it.
Abraham: Related to what? It's a big topic.
Guest: It is. [laughs] Relating to relationships, and in congruencies of beliefs—so, as we become freer and freer, how does sex play into our lives? As we get more into alignment.
Abraham: The most important thing to remember is that it never works to try to—in an action, sense,--- sort out all of the possibilities and define right behavior and wrong behavior. And that's mostly what people attempt to do around the subject. Instead, from the life experience that you have lived, define as best you can, what you want, and then become a vibrational match to what you want, and you will attract into your experience those who want that same thing. For example, let's take the subject of wanting one life partner or wanting many sexual partners. Very different stances relative to the subject of sexuality. So let's say you are someone who has defined through what you've lived and the relationships that you've watched unfold, and through your own experience, you now are looking for A person that you can be involved with completely. And make, at least from where you are standing now, your life partner.And you want to be true to that person in the sense that you will only be with that person, and you want that person to be true to you in that same sense. So, that's what you've decided, those are the thoughts you think; you don't give attention to other thoughts; that becomes your vibration; it's what's in your vibrational escrow; Source calls you toward it; you follow the impulse; you meet up with that person, you recognize one another because that's the way you intended it to be, and you live Happily Ever After.
Let me interject here. There was a very illuminating conversation earlier in the cruise between Abraham and a guest who wanted to see the whales. Abraham explained very clearly how these rendezvous between the humans and the whale occur, and why the success rate was so very high. In a nutshell: BECAUSE WE HAVE NOT PRACTICED A LIFETIME OF DIS-BELIEVING WE CAN MEET UP WITH A WHALE!]But let's say, that while you want all of that, and while you believe it is possible, that you have been listening to what others are doing, and you do remember experiences that you've had, and you have experienced betrayal of people that you thought would be true to you, and so, even though that IS what you want, that's not the drum that you often beat. And so, you have something you don't want active in your vibration. So what you do want is over here---but what's active in your vibration is over here, in fact it's more dominant, so the people you keep attracting to you are the exact opposite of what you really want.
Guest: Um-hum.
Abraham: And you lose faith in humanity; you lose faith in your ability to get what you want; you begin saying things like, "The kind of person I want is no longer out there." When it isn't that the person isn't out there, it's that you're not a vibrational match to your own intention. So, there is not a right or a wrong way to approach this or anything. Your life has helped you define, from where you now stand, what you want, and it may be that you will intend it one way, and maybe live it that way for a while, and maybe change your mind. There is not one-right-right- way. But in order to have a satisfying experience, no matter what the topic of it is, you've got to be in alignment with --- You. So, again, we talked about this earlier---- when you take the time to find vibrational alignment, then the action part of it comes easy. You get impulses, and as you follow the impulse, you end up at the right place at the right time, and life unfolds so easily. We were visiting with a woman recently—very recently—who said, "I am old." She basically said, "I am in my forties, [laughter from the audience].
Guest: That's funny!
Abraham… and I have just found the person that I want to spend my life with, and we only met 30 days ago, and we're engaged to be married, and our families are---especially my family-- very upset about this, because they think that I am moving too fast"And we said, "It wasn't really that fast. In your lifetime, you were identifying what you were wanting, and you have just now found a releasing of resistance, so you've allowed yourself to move to where what you want is."That's what relationships are about. Look at relationships as Law of Attraction and vibrational escrow and see the Love of Your Life in whatever form you want it to be, --there. [in vibrational escrow] with your Inner Being, and reach for Downstream Thoughts, and you'll go right there! And it doesn't take that long. You could have been looking for months or years or decades, and in the understanding of this Knowing, and in the releasing of resistance, and in no longer beating the drum of worrying about getting something that you don't want, you'll turn, and you'll find exactly what you DO want.
Guest: Can we talk a little bit about self-pleasure, and how that plays into (no pun intended) the releasing of resistance, so to speak?
Abraham: Well, it is as relevant or as irrelevant as you want to make it. In other words, there is nothing right or wrong about anything. The question that you want to ask yourself, relative to all subjects is, "During my action, am I having Downstream thoughts?" That's the only thing that you need to be aware of. And any time you are having Downstream thoughts, anything that is happening while you are having the Downstream thoughts is of advantage. But, so often, people try to use action to replace thought. And that is the thing that we are encouraging: Let your thought come first, and let whatever action is inspired, happen, but let the thought be thoughts of Alignment. And then there is always benefit.
Guest: Have any of you experienced sex?
Abraham: There is nothing that you experience that is positive in nature that that which is nonphysical doesn't experience. In fact, even in meditation, sometimes people experience what they would call that sexual arousal or sensation. And that's what that is about. In fact, sexuality and alignment are not separate vibrations. But, again, you can take any subject and experience it from Upstream or Downstream. And you know the difference, you see.
Guest: OK. Thank you.

Interacting with somebody you do not agree with

Even in your rightness about a subject, when you try to push your rightness toward another who disagrees, no matter how right you are, it causes more pushing against. In other words, it isn’t until you stop pushing that any real allowing of what you want can take place.